Warning, this is not for the faint of heart. People offer words of wisdom all of the time on how to get through this terrible event but then always follow it up with "I have no idea what you are feeling or going through" and you know what? You are absolutely right, so I'll give it my best shot to let you in on how it feels.
Now close your eyes and take a deep breath and imagine for just one second, that your child is dead. Hard isn't it?
Now close your eyes again and think about their last birthday, and the one moment you can picture in your head when they were so happy and smiling ear to ear. They are having so much fun and then imagine again, that the same child is now dead.
Keep going? Now close your eyes and imagine a time when you might have yelled at them or corrected them over something stupid or trivial. You think you might have over reacted but it's okay, you can make it up to them. But then remember that your child is dead.
Now imagine that one smile you have stuck in your head. This is an event you can pinpoint because you just remember how happy they were at that exact moment. You smile so big because you can see that look on their face and remember exactly what they were doing. Then you also have to remember that they are dead.
Think about last Christmas when they ran in to see what Santa had brought them. Think of them fighting with their sibling over who gets to play with what even though there are a billion toys in the room. Think of them going to all of the different places and getting so many toys and just being ecstatic at every stop, and then remember that they are dead.
Now remember the last night you saw them. Remember the fear in your head and in your heart while you are at the hospital. Think of how hopeless you felt while the doctors told you there was nothing else you could do. And then remember that they are still dead.
This a day in our lives right now. Life is not easy at the moment. Constant memories, happy and sad, but always with the same final thought, they are dead and we'll never see them again.
I know this is harsh, but unfortunately it's our reality every day.
