You Want To Know What It's Like?

Warning, this is not for the faint of heart.  People offer words of wisdom all of the time on how to get through this terrible event but then always follow it up with "I have no idea what you are feeling or going through" and you know what?  You are absolutely right, so I'll give it my best shot to let you in on how it feels.

Now close your eyes and take a deep breath and imagine for just one second, that your child is dead.  Hard isn't it? 

Now close your eyes again and think about their last birthday, and the one moment you can picture in your head when they were so happy and smiling ear to ear.  They are having so much fun and then imagine again, that the same child is now dead.

Keep going?  Now close your eyes and imagine a time when you might have yelled at them or corrected them over something stupid or trivial.  You think you might have over reacted but it's okay, you can make it up to them.  But then remember that your child is dead. 

Now imagine that one smile you have stuck in your head.  This is an event you can pinpoint because you just remember how happy they were at that exact moment.  You smile so big because you can see that look on their face and remember exactly what they were doing.  Then you also have to remember that they are dead. 

Think about last Christmas when they ran in to see what Santa had brought them.  Think of them fighting with their sibling over who gets to play with what even though there are a billion toys in the room.  Think of them going to all of the different places and getting so many toys and just being ecstatic at every stop, and then remember that they are dead.

Now remember the last night you saw them.  Remember the fear in your head and in your heart while you are at the hospital.  Think of how hopeless you felt while the doctors told you there was nothing else you could do.  And then remember that they are still dead. 

This a day in our lives right now.  Life is not easy at the moment.  Constant memories, happy and sad, but always with the same final thought, they are dead and we'll never see them again.

I know this is harsh, but unfortunately it's our reality every day. 

First Post, A New Normal Day

Well, today is here.  This is the first new normal day of our lives.  I woke up for work just as I normally would, took a shower, and then laid back down for a bit while Sabrina showered.  I got up and poked my head in Emma's room and told her I would be back in a while to help her get dressed.  I went in the room, ironed my clothes and got dressed.  I stuck my head back in Emma's door to see if she was up....she wasn't.  Once again I told her to start moving and I would be back in a minute.  I went to the kitchen and poured our coffee into our cups for the morning.  I grabbed my wallet, my keys, my phone and put them in my pockets.  I went back in to Emma's room and got her up and dressed and told her to go brush her teeth.  Sabrina was just about ready and getting the rest of Emma's lunch together and all of her things in her book bag arranged for school.  I got Emma's shoes on and gave her a big hug and kiss goodbye.  I went over to Sabrina and told her "have a manageable day sweetheart."  I drove to work and my phone rang at the same time it always does.  Sabrina called on the way to daycare.  Emma was in the background and telling me how she grabbed all of her LOL Surprise dolls to show Ms. Susan and her friends at school.  Sabrina had to run back in the house because of course Emma forgot one of her babies.  We talked a bit and I told them I loved them both and to have a great day at school and work.  Now this would normally just be a normal day, but now it's a new normal.  We are missing our beautiful Sammie girl so much, and every day from here on out will just be figuring out what our new normal is.  So if you see one of us, just realize right now we are just trying to learn a new way of life.  We are trying to find a new normal.

We Love You Big Girl, Forever and Always <3